Want to vs. Have to

So everyone was so incredibly nice to me when I posted about New Normals and our fake tree this year on fb which was great.  My problem is that I HAD to get a fake tree, didn't WANT to get a fake tree b/c my lungs just couldn't handle the pine scent last year and we can't risk it anymore.  And the tree is beautiful but I know Mike is a little disappointed b/c we've always had real trees and always enjoyed shopping for them and picking them out and the wonderful smell in the house.  Just one more thing my illness has impacted.  The girls don't know any difference, especially Ellie, but I do.  It hurts just enough.  One more change this holiday season to deal with.  For me, it's not always the "big" stuff, it's the small stuff that gets me.

On the news the other day, they honored 14 paramedics/firefighters/police in Nashua for saving 2 people from cardiac arrest.  I got so mad b/c no one could save my dad.  I was crying and yelling at the television being totally selfish and asking why and Mike was there and he said at the same time as the ff on the news that only 5% of cardiac calls get resusitated.  Didn't make me feel any better that we didn't beat the odds.  Not fair.  I hate all these changes this year and am working on dealing with them one day at a time but it's so tough.