Diabetes

So what a rough week...diagnosed w/ diabetes officially on Tuesday which while I was "expecting" it, it makes a difference b/c I'm just sicker than I was 6 months ago.  And I have yet another "system" that doesn't work.  So I saw the doc & they put me on metformin which made me violently ill so taken off that and given victoza which worked much better yesterday.  BUT, I'm an emotional wreck.....I hate this body...I hate that even though I know it is "trying", that there is nothing I can do but keep fighting.  I hate steroids.  They are saving and killing me at the same time. 

I felt better after therapy yesterday and we talked about how important it was for me to "touch" my pain and see it and feel it and move through it.  Do not deny it or say "no really, it's okay".  B/c it's not.  Ever.  I have days but my overall life is not okay.....I worry about Mike & my mom b/c I know what it's like to be a mom to Katie w/ her issues and how frustrating and helpless it feels. 

I do my "grounding" all day to keep me sane and avoid the panic attacks I feel sometimes when things get to be too much.  Writing, reading, blogging, fb....all these work to keep me sane.  I pray it will get easier...just not sure when or how...

OMG I am losing it

I'm losing it.....called for an emergency therapy session and hope she can see me.....I can't handle this anymore.  My whole body is breaking down and I am terrified and am alone today and don't know how to handle this anxiety attack.   I'm having trouble breathing and want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't stop crying.  I am afraid.  How long can I really truly live with my heart and lungs not working right????  I don't want to die!!!!!  I want to live!!  Dear lord please help me...please show me the way to make it through this.  Please heal my tired body.  PLEASE

Rough week...just out of hospital again

So I had a rough week this week.  Started feeling ill last Sunday, worse on Monday and admitted on Tuesday.  My heart rate was incredibly high (140-160) and Dr K wants me to see a Cardiologist.  Had echocardiogram done but no results yet.  My sugars were sky high and still are.....probably starting steroid induced diabetes.  AND I found out I have to have reflux surgery on my stomach.....meeting with surgeon in Feb & surgery in June after trip to Disney.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed and believe my body is really giving out on me.  I will NOT stop fighting but it is so hard.  I also spent time with Negative Joe yesterday and he made me feel terrible about how I no longer have the will power I used to have.  But he doesn't understand truly what prednisone does to your body.  I'm an addict in essence.  My entire metabolism has changed.  Haven't had a period in 56 days.  Losing more hair.  Potential diabetes.  Dry skin.  Skin tearing.  Water retention.  It all sucks.  I feel fat and ugly and hate ALL OF THIS!!!  I'm an emotional basket case.

I have no idea, honestly, why Mike stays with me and loves me.  We don't have sex, I'm fat, ugly and sick and don't feel lovable.  I surprised the girls by coming home a day early yesterday and they were so happy to see me but I have no idea why.  I feel so unworthy of love.  I've lost my spoons and ability to believe in myself. 

The heart condition is really scary for me even though it's mild, the emotional connection to my dad is too much.  I'm also afraid of the surgery b/c I may end up on a vent and have a really tough time recouperating b/c the steroids make for very slow healing.....

I wish God didn't trust me to handle so much.....I feel broken.

Calendars.....

Every year for Christmas I give calendars to my mother, MIL, uncle & myself.  I  make them on snapfish and they are full of pics of the kids and family.  I usually taper each calendar for each person, making them all a little bit different.  This year was too hard for me.  Going through all the pictures of my dad and the pictures of my physical decline was just too hard.

What I'm hoping for this year is that I'll see physical improvement in my pictures.  I hoping that instead of looking my best in January and my worst in December of 2011, I'll look so much better by December 2012.  I'm not focused on the "vanity" of how I look although that is difficult...for me it's more of the evidence of what the steroids, multiple hospitalizations, BT treatments, and severe asthma has done to me.

It's also going to be tough to not have Dad in my pics this year....miss his so much every day.  We are going to Disney in May and going without him will be wonderful and terrible at the same time....

Compartmentalizing

I am so terrified of all these emotions I feel inside but am keeping in a "box".  It is so scary for me physically.  I don't want to aggravate my lungs and the kind of release I feel coming will do that.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like this compartmentalizing is dangerous and it's starting to impact my mood.  Mike & the girls laugh a lot and I just can't join in....I feel indifferent to so much.  And I'm afraid......I miss my dad..hate doing all these things without him.....NEED him with me.  And he's not here.  Afraid these lungs are going to kill me too young...especially after yet another hospitalization.  Just afraid...

Gonna see pill doc today...see what she has to say...need therapy next week...

Well.....more than one more day I guess

So Dec 20th is just a bad day for me....got hospitalized same day last year and it sucks.  I was at least afraid/prepared this year but it does not make it any easier to be stuck in the hospital the week before Christmas AGAIN.  It's not right and it's not fair that I am hurting all those I love so very much.  My poor husband is so stressed.....my kids miss me and my mom and brother are so worried and we are all still trying to figure out how to make it through these holidays without my dad for the first time.  It SUCKS!!!  I want to scream, but that would probably only give make my lungs spasm so what good would that do???  I know this is life and I know I have to find a way to muddle through it and make it the best life I can but can I please get just a small break??? Please? 

I haven't allowed the "why me's" ever.....why not??  Our bodies get sick...they are supposed to but it shouldn't be this hard all the time.  I focus, I really do, on the good days/ moments I have to get me through these hellish ones but I'm tired....physically and emotionally from the struggle.  I want my family to have a healthy Michelle so I can be who and what I wanted my role to be...not this.  Not this tired body I still don't recognize every time I look in the mirror. 

Okay Santa....Please make 2012 a better year...please?  Lord...hear my prayer.

Nervous...hoping for one day

I am hoping these lungs are just down for the count for one day....please.  The party was wonderful and I truly did not overdue it but had a terrible overnight.  I woke up okay but tired so was resting.  Then I got a visit from the PCA of my friend who is a quadriplegic to bring me my Christmas present and she is a chain smoker and my lungs closed as soon as she entered my house and I haven't recovered since.  On O2 and doing more nebs and praying it is JUST ONE DAY......PLEASE...PLEASE.....PLEASE.....