Rough week...just out of hospital again

So I had a rough week this week.  Started feeling ill last Sunday, worse on Monday and admitted on Tuesday.  My heart rate was incredibly high (140-160) and Dr K wants me to see a Cardiologist.  Had echocardiogram done but no results yet.  My sugars were sky high and still are.....probably starting steroid induced diabetes.  AND I found out I have to have reflux surgery on my stomach.....meeting with surgeon in Feb & surgery in June after trip to Disney.

I feel incredibly overwhelmed and believe my body is really giving out on me.  I will NOT stop fighting but it is so hard.  I also spent time with Negative Joe yesterday and he made me feel terrible about how I no longer have the will power I used to have.  But he doesn't understand truly what prednisone does to your body.  I'm an addict in essence.  My entire metabolism has changed.  Haven't had a period in 56 days.  Losing more hair.  Potential diabetes.  Dry skin.  Skin tearing.  Water retention.  It all sucks.  I feel fat and ugly and hate ALL OF THIS!!!  I'm an emotional basket case.

I have no idea, honestly, why Mike stays with me and loves me.  We don't have sex, I'm fat, ugly and sick and don't feel lovable.  I surprised the girls by coming home a day early yesterday and they were so happy to see me but I have no idea why.  I feel so unworthy of love.  I've lost my spoons and ability to believe in myself. 

The heart condition is really scary for me even though it's mild, the emotional connection to my dad is too much.  I'm also afraid of the surgery b/c I may end up on a vent and have a really tough time recouperating b/c the steroids make for very slow healing.....

I wish God didn't trust me to handle so much.....I feel broken.

Calendars.....

Every year for Christmas I give calendars to my mother, MIL, uncle & myself.  I  make them on snapfish and they are full of pics of the kids and family.  I usually taper each calendar for each person, making them all a little bit different.  This year was too hard for me.  Going through all the pictures of my dad and the pictures of my physical decline was just too hard.

What I'm hoping for this year is that I'll see physical improvement in my pictures.  I hoping that instead of looking my best in January and my worst in December of 2011, I'll look so much better by December 2012.  I'm not focused on the "vanity" of how I look although that is difficult...for me it's more of the evidence of what the steroids, multiple hospitalizations, BT treatments, and severe asthma has done to me.

It's also going to be tough to not have Dad in my pics this year....miss his so much every day.  We are going to Disney in May and going without him will be wonderful and terrible at the same time....