"healthy" anniversary weekend

This weekend two years ago is when I contracted the H1N1 virus and my asthma became severe and I became disabled.  This one is hard b/c it involves Katie's annual Holiday Dance Show.  I love watching her onstage dancing and it makes her so happy...I am just so nervous and kind of angry that I can't enjoy it w/out that nagging "what am I gonna catch this year" feeling.....I'm gonna be masked up and gloved up and I'm no longer a room mom which I  also miss tremendously. 

The other issue that makes me so nervous is how much worse I am every year....If I compare last xmas to this xmas my health has taken a major decline.  It sucks.  My mother keeps telling me I make her nervous b/c I don't have a "positive" attitude and she's right but it's not Always negative, sometimes it's reality which I face much better than she does. She often lives on the River Denial in Egypt.  I have limits....much more than I had a year ago and certainly WAY  more than 2 years ago.  I do have hope that in 6 months I'll see some improvement from the thermoplasty I put myself through but it is only 75% effective and I knew that going in.  And I'm their most severe patient.  I'm also nervous about the pulmo rehab I'll be starting in January but hopeful at the same time that it will help me taper lower on the steroids if I can rebuild some of these muscles in my body and in my lung capacity.  Some of my severe asthmatic friends have been through it and it's helped some but not all and not completely..

So I sit here and hope and despair, depending on the time of day....losing my dad this year certainly hasn't helped either as I miss him every minute...

I can do it ha ha ha

You know it's interesting, b/c Katie has SPD and Anxiety Disorder and we have a mantra at our house....I CAN DO IT! when there is something very challenging for her but we need her to try.  My I CAN DO IT has turned into a sitting on my ass and letting other's do it.  Asking for help.  Feeling disabled.  Trying to spin that into I am good enough. 

A month without therapy has NOT been good for me.  Need to go.  Missing my dad....Mike doesn't get that part all that well which makes it hard.  He also has no poker face so when I ask him to do something he doesn't want to he does it but the "blech" is written all over his face. 

I don't want this BODY anymore!!!!  I want the old me back!!!!  Please please please!!!!  I know it's not gonna happen but Santa, THAT is what I want for Christmas....

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was tough but turned out to be a wonderful day spent with family.  The hardest part was leaving at the end.  We may not see these family members at Christmastime b/c of scheduling and my mom not hosting a big Christmas dinner this year so it was really tough.  I love them so much.

The worst part of the day was my husband's insensitive comment before we left....he asked if I had spoken to my brother and I hadn't yet.  Now I had had a good morning just being busy and puttering around the  house doing the cooking I needed to do and getting the girls ready, etc.  He slept b/c he had worked overnight the night before and was tired.. no biggie.   Before we left he told me that he had thought a lot about how I was feeling anxious about the holiday and that bothered him b/c my family holidays are the ones he looks forward to b/c his family is so nuts.  SORRY dude....My FATHER died and I can't help it if I miss him and hate it!!  I let it go but why can he NOT get it???  He really is an amazing man and I love him dearly and is usually sensitive but this time you missed the mark big time buddy!!!  UGH!

Prepping for tomorrow...not so Happy Thanksgiving

Even though I am watching two extra kids today for some amazing friends of mine, I am trying to regroup and prepare mentally for tomorrow's Thanksgiving.  It's gonna be so incredibly tough.  I miss my dad so much...there is a hole inside of me.  Seeing family will be wonderful but tough too and am afraid I will cry all day...I guess whatever will be will be....

I just am hoping I don't make it more difficult on my mom or brother or my daughters.  I'm trying to go in with no expectations....not easy. 

It's funny, this blog is starting out to be my whining board but it's what I need right now and I know that slowly it will change as I do.  I have hope still.  I have my dad's strength and love to guide me.

I can't take anymore

Seriously in the middle of a huge panic attack so gonna ground myself the only way I know how...blogging to keep myself in the present....get rid of the toxins.  After fighting with my brother today...huge pain in my lower back and diaphram, trying to decorate my moms for xmas, being so afraid of crying all day on thanksgiving missing my dad so much, what happens....the project I made my mom for her annalee dolls fell off the wall.  I just feel like I can't do anything right and me and my body are not good enough.  I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!!  Please make it stop....I can't take one more thing!

Am I enough

This last recovery from the 3rd thermoplasty has been really much too slow for my liking....trying to taper, slowly is also taking it's toll.  And missing my dad while decorating his house and thinking about Thanksgiving has been really rough emotionally which I KNOW is impacting my ability to breathe. 

I just want it all to be enough the way it used to be.  I haven't been to therapy in a month b/c of my health and really need to go but have to wait another week.  I want to be enough.  I know in my head that everyone thinks I am, I just need to believe it myself too.

All the pain I've been in has made me have absolutely no patience with my girls who are not listening only b/c they are so excited about the holidays which is NORMAL but not fun at all.  I HATE yelling at them but it is starting to happen way too often b/c I have to tell them 4 times to do something simple like wash before dinner.. we wash before EVERY MEAL EVERY DAY!!  Not new.....yet I'm turning into someone I don't like b/c I yell. 

Okay...gonna end on a positive...I am enough...my girls will grow to understand it's okay to get mad...I do apologize for yelling.....I am worth it....I can do this...

New

Hi...so for my first posting I'll talk about how I overdid it yesterday and am still paying for it today......I so wish my body wouldn't be so weak and have such crappy lungs but what can you do.  It's been a tough week as we started decorating my mom's house for Christmas and we are all feeling more pain from the loss of my dad in July.  Am proud of the project I made for her Annalee dolls though.  Will post a pic when it's finished.  My back is killing me and I wish it wasn't b/c it makes me push my lungs harder when I try to do anything at all.  I did get a nap in which was nice considering I didn't yesterday and was ASLEEP at 730 but up from 130a-4a...

My blog title means a lot to me b/c I have spent the last two years trying to Just Breathe....one day at a time.  One breath at a time.  One precious moment at a time.